April is Over!

And now summer is here... Well, almost.

I can't say I miss the busyness of April, but I do regret that I didn't do more with that time in my life. Granted, it was hectic and I was overwhelmed, but it seems that when I look back on times like that I always have a sense of regret. Regret... Now that is regrettable. I shouldn't live with regret. But let's be honest, most people have regrets though many will not admit them. Anyway, that's not my point.

I was thinking today about why I have let certain passions of mine slip through the cracks. I used to care so much about so many things, and as of late, I have no passion. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. I do have passion, I just don't live it out. SO! I am reclaiming some of those passions. I am going to start living again; living in a way that drains me, humbles me, and betters me because of the kingdom to where I am heading. I refuse to let finite things overwhelm me, pushing out of my life the things I should be living for. Does that make sense? It does to me...

I am in a business meeting and all the chattering I hear (and should be listening to) are distracting me from completely focusing on what I am writing... I'll reread this later and maybe clarify... So much for not being overwhelmed! We'll work on it. :)

I can't believe it, but I gave away a car Saturday. A beautiful 2007 Mustang went home with a Liberty University graduating senior. I am happy for him. He will be commissioned the day before graduation, and I am sure will leave this country to serve shortly after. He deserves it. I'm happy with the outcome.

I'm also happy about life. At least, I am happiER about life than I was when I last posted. I really have nothing to complain about. I have seen the Lord's blessings in countless ways since the beginning of this glorious month. I mean, come on... Isn't April glorious? It ushers in new life. I LOVE spring. It takes me back in my mind to carefree times of lemonade, flip-flops, and GoodWood softball... Pink shirts with green stripes, super blonde hair, and Sara and Allie's laughter (those two friends of mine have the BEST laughs ever laughed). It also makes me think about a song I used to know... perhaps that song can be introduced to you...

Every evening sky
An invitation
To trace the pattern stars
And early in July
A celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice you
In children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are Summer

And even when the trees
Have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves
In mid-September
And sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are Autumn

And every thing in time
And under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white
All creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are Winter

And every thing thats new
Has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through
Is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every seasons change
And so it will be

as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

~Nichole Nordeman

*sigh*

I am a little beat. Like... ti-ered! Work is a bit overwhelming at the moment. So many projects and events are building up and getting ready to explode and I am not sure I am ready for it. The problem with it all is I don't know when it is going to slow down. I have to open a brand new full-service restaurant to rave reviews from the client, give away a 2007 Ford Mustang, support sustainability efforts in all of our food service locations, and get two of our renovated locations featured in American Schools and Universities Magazine's Educational Interior Showcase 2008 - all within the month of April! Not to mention the little things like resident dining events, implementing new deli, pizza, and grill programs, and making sure we are looking sharp enough in our merchandising to constitute being the "showcase account" in our region. I don't know if I can do it all!!! AGH! And if you think that everything I just said confuses you, imagine how much more it confuses me! haha

I'm trying to remain positive and be thankful for the job God has given me... It's just a little disheartening that because of my work, I don't think I have been able to truly reflect on the fact that Jesus' life, death, and resurrection have changed the course of my destiny and that He should be celebrated, especially around Easter. The message I heard at church on Sunday really broke me and made me realize how desperately I need the love of Jesus, and how wonderful it is that He has lavished love on me. But it also made me realize how much more I should be dwelling on His love and what that means for eternity and less on my immediate circumstances.

I keep thinking, "Oh, if only I were doing this with my life or was involved in that ministry, I would have more time to love God and spend time in His Word..." A good friend recently told me as I shared my heart to go to Africa this summer on a church missions trip: "As now, so then." Basically, the way things are now will be what they are then. If I don't make time to grow my faith now, going on missions trip won't change that. If I feel like the work I am doing now is not "good enough," nothing I do instead will satisfy either. I need to focus on where God has me and WHY He has me here, and stop questioning His sovereignty in my life. Only through thoughtful prayer and searching His Word will I know that I need to change occupations. If I don't trust God in my life now, what will make me trust Him if I do something "more worthy of His kingdom?"

So maybe planning events and making snotty college students happy about the food they eat isn't glamorous,and maybe it's not even eternal... All I know is that God has me here for a reason. And I refuse to stress about my circumstances and question the worth of what I am doing. Maybe one day I will get the chance to write wild and exciting stories about my ministries in Africa and Asia... Maybe not. It doesn't matter. I just pray that whatever I do, it pleases the Lord who loves me so.

hm...

Maybe I won't be too good at this blogging thing. It's not that I don't love to write (and even wish I were good enough to make a living on it). I just think I am too inconsistent to keep it up. Now, that's a pretty vulnerable statement. I don't really want to admit to you that I am too inconsistent - I dare say, too lazy - to blog/write consistently, but I decided a long time ago that being vulnerable is the essence of being woman.

Speaking of vulnerability... I think people mistakenly assume that being vulnerable is being weak. That is simply not true. I am not weak. I would venture to say that I am exceptionally strong. Almost too strong. I don't mean strong like I'm a "badass;" I'm really quite sensitive. I mean strong in that I do not give up easily (maybe the reason I am forcing myself to blog knowing that I will suck at it; at least at first). Strong because I choose to face my flaws everyday and even expose them to you. This puts me at risk of being hurt, but I don't really care. Hurt me; it will only make me stronger. Yes, I am strong. I'd like to think so, anyway. :)

Why I'm doing this...

I am a woman of many thoughts and even more emotions. I have a tendency of diving head first into issues of importance to me. My mind gets lost in and consumed by my feelings, and therefore, my opinions (no matter how much they change on the way down). I can't "take things lightly" if I have committed myself to them. I never knew how deeply true this is to my being until this year's primaries. Oh, heavens! you would think I, myself, were running for president!

Because the majority of the world doesn't really care to know how I feel about politics, social issues, relationships, and (or) how a diner should be designed, I end up venting it all to my husband. He is a good listener and he tries his best to sympathize with me, but it was revealed to me that... you know... he probably cares as much as the rest of the world does sometimes.

He said to me ever so politely, "Have you ever thought about starting a blog?" Well, no. No I haven't! Why should I? If YOU don't care about what irks me, why would anyone else? I mean, I THOUGHT that you would at least care... I think most of this without saying it... Well, here I am. Starting a blog. Not sure why even still. Nick says I write well. I'm not so sure about that. Nonetheless, I will blog. Only because I take Nick's opinion seriously, and if he thinks I should blog, I will. Even if he has selfish motives (giving his own ears a rest).

***The post below was written a little while ago, but it still means so much to me that I wanted it to be my first post. I suppose I should have posted this current rambling as way of introduction, but I think what I write will tell you all you need to know about me.

Now, I'm posting this without proofing it because I am at work, at risk of being caught blogging any moment. So, happy reading to any poor soul who comes across this blog and takes time to read...

To all my women friends... Men can read too.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I'm going... I'm 25 years old now, recently graduated with my Masters degree... And life is nothing like I thought it would be when I first started out on my journey into adulthood. Granted, many of the things that happened to me have been glorious acts of God's love toward me. Like Nick, for example. I never thought I'd get married before I was 28 or maybe 30! And then God steps in and changes my direction with a fabulous sense of irony, because Nick and I were friends for two years before we even began to date (he was the last person I thought I'd end up with). Needless to say, marriage has been the greatest thing to happen to me next to salvation. No person has tested me and taught me more than Nick. No one has loved me more, and that is the picture of Christ and His church. It's beautiful.

However, disappointment has met my path on all too many occasions. I have found myself to be very incapable and very unlovable in every human perspective. I am also not very passionate about what I say is important to me. I love God. He has shown me His truth, His love, and His mercy time and again. I say that He is my rock and the source of my life. Jesus is my savior... I say these things and I believe that there is only salvation through Jesus alone.... and then I don't act on what I know; what I say I believe. Oh, sure, I'm a good person, right? I don't live a life that goes totally against His law. I am involved in a church, I tithe faithfully, I "do the right things." I think... So why, for the past two years or so, do I always feel like something's missing. I can't explain this big void I've felt. It's so empty and expansive. Sometimes it feels better than other times, but it's always there. I've been hurt a lot in my life, just like you who are reading this. And those wounds never go away. They're always there, and at times something happens that opens those wounds again and causes me to relive all the pain I've felt from the past. My personal struggle is that I've always felt as though I am not good enough... Or maybe it is that I am too much. There are insecurities that bring me to a place of fear and doubt. Fear that I will never be truly loved, and fear that I need to hide part of me from the world so that I don't become unlovable. And doubt that I can ever really be wanted, or worse yet, needed. Could anyone ever need me? Impossible.

*Alright, enough vulnerability*

What God is revealing to me, slowly, but surely, is that I am needed. We are all needed. Despite what the world has done to me, how worthless it has made me feel, I was created for a purpose. It sounds nice to admit that, but what does that really mean? I am a woman; I am Eve. I am the counterpart to Adam. I am compassion and nurture. I am the crowning glory of God's creation; the finale. Woman, who has been beaten down, oppressed, silenced, and patronized throughout history, is God's final touch. Woman is the pinnacle of His holy creation. We are spin-offs of HIS nature! We have a purpose, and it is not to be minimized. Since the fall of mankind Eve, and all of her daughters, experienced (and are still experiencing) the pain of vulnerability. We have been wounded, and it has caused us to hide and to doubt ourselves. We feel guilty for being too much to handle and we feel an aching that we will never be good enough. These fears have silenced us, always causing us to doubt ourselves, and inevitably God. And the world is dying because of it. We are a world at war, and God calls for times of war. But because of war, there are too many people hurting. Where is their peace? What the world needs now more than ever, is women. Their voices, their love, their peace. I don't know my purpose yet. I'm still searching. Perhaps it will never be revealed clearly to me. But... I know that God is calling me to Himself, leading me down a path of purpose, out my fear and my doubt. And I will try to shake off the rags I have worn so long to become that crowning glory of creation that He desires for every woman to emmulate.