I just gave my 60 lb. standard poodle a haircut... now it looks like 500 bunnies spontaneously combusted in my yard.
And my life very much feels the same way. Everything spontaneously combusting. It's kind of fun, because I don't always hanker order or consistency, but it's also a little unnerving.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Time and Lovers... Ugh, Time, you evil life-sucker!
My head is spinning and a lot of things in my life have been stirred up lately. Old wounds being reopened, a searching for my calling in life, a restlessness in my heart, a constant wrestling with Time (I have decided that Time is my greatest enemy). In all of this I have lost my way a little bit. I have failed to spend time with God in His Word. I have been discouraged by my own lack of enthusiasm. I have given my heart over to other lovers thinking they will somehow satisfy. It's pathetic, really - I know this in my head, but my heart is failing to connect. Then I wake up from my slumber and wonder how so much Time has flown by.
I turned 27 on July 13th... I wasn't ready for it. I wanted to stop Time and say, "Hey! Please let me do that year over again... Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the last three years over again." But that's not possible, and I'm sure for good reason. I just get in these funks. And it's pretty hard to "unfunk" the "funk." I think I'll fight this all my life, as most people do. I think the part that needs to change is me. Me, and how I face the funk. I lose hope too easily, am too easily discouraged. I retreat behind the walls I've built instead of running to the fortress that is my God. It might help me to stop wasting Time and idolizing lesser loves if I would just turn to God in these times. (hm... ya think?!) Somehow, the practicing of such things is harder than the preaching. It's easy to preach it. I am really good at lecturing myself for hours, but when it comes time to actually do it... well, you can guess. Maybe it's just going to take more Time to figure it out. Ugh... Time.
I turned 27 on July 13th... I wasn't ready for it. I wanted to stop Time and say, "Hey! Please let me do that year over again... Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the last three years over again." But that's not possible, and I'm sure for good reason. I just get in these funks. And it's pretty hard to "unfunk" the "funk." I think I'll fight this all my life, as most people do. I think the part that needs to change is me. Me, and how I face the funk. I lose hope too easily, am too easily discouraged. I retreat behind the walls I've built instead of running to the fortress that is my God. It might help me to stop wasting Time and idolizing lesser loves if I would just turn to God in these times. (hm... ya think?!) Somehow, the practicing of such things is harder than the preaching. It's easy to preach it. I am really good at lecturing myself for hours, but when it comes time to actually do it... well, you can guess. Maybe it's just going to take more Time to figure it out. Ugh... Time.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
tug-o-war
As I prepare to head to North Africa on July 4th, I find myself torn between two worlds: the material and the spiritual.
I live in the material, I breathe in the spiritual. (Living as in physically existing - the cold, hard reality. Breathing as in spiritually existing - for it is God Himself who gives me each breath.)
My idle time is spent in the material, when perhaps it should be spent in the spiritual. I work hard at trivial tasks of no eternal value and neglect to spend time with God in His word. It's easier to facebook (or blog - yikes!) for an hour instead of confessing and bearing my soul in prayer to my Abba...
As I pray for God to prepare my heart for my coming trip, I am flooded with the memories I made there last year. My heart breaks again, I long for nothing more than to be there among the poor, I find myself longing for a life free from the wealth and prosperity of America... But then again, I find myself spending time looking at elaborate house plans of which I would like to build a new home, I get emails about Victoria Secret's upcoming Semi-Annual Sale, I think about how I don't have enough shirts that are appropriate for North Africa and how I should hit the local Target and Kohl's, and, if I'm feeling lucky, New York and Co. (because they're my favorite).
This desperate tugging at my heart strings back and forth between two vastly different approaches to life has me feeling a mess! But... I don't think it's inherently wrong to want material things. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he specified that "the love of money is the root of all evil," not the money itself. But still, this small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why trust me with money at all, God?"
I live in the material, I breathe in the spiritual. (Living as in physically existing - the cold, hard reality. Breathing as in spiritually existing - for it is God Himself who gives me each breath.)
My idle time is spent in the material, when perhaps it should be spent in the spiritual. I work hard at trivial tasks of no eternal value and neglect to spend time with God in His word. It's easier to facebook (or blog - yikes!) for an hour instead of confessing and bearing my soul in prayer to my Abba...
As I pray for God to prepare my heart for my coming trip, I am flooded with the memories I made there last year. My heart breaks again, I long for nothing more than to be there among the poor, I find myself longing for a life free from the wealth and prosperity of America... But then again, I find myself spending time looking at elaborate house plans of which I would like to build a new home, I get emails about Victoria Secret's upcoming Semi-Annual Sale, I think about how I don't have enough shirts that are appropriate for North Africa and how I should hit the local Target and Kohl's, and, if I'm feeling lucky, New York and Co. (because they're my favorite).
This desperate tugging at my heart strings back and forth between two vastly different approaches to life has me feeling a mess! But... I don't think it's inherently wrong to want material things. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he specified that "the love of money is the root of all evil," not the money itself. But still, this small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why trust me with money at all, God?"
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Despair and Joy - From Where Does My Hope Come?
Lately, I feel like I am constantly walking that thin line between utter despair and overwhelming joy. Most people wouldn't think there is a line between such drastically different things, but I know there is. The only difference between the two is God. Without Him, utter despair. With Him, overwhelming joy. People mistake joy for happiness. They are not synonymous. Happiness is circumstantial, and just like our circumstances it wavers unfailingly. Joy is so much deeper. It comes from knowing that life is hard and things don't always come easy. I taste joy when I taste pain, because God promised me that the pain won't last. I taste joy when I glimpse eternity. If I never felt pain, I would never know joy.
Maybe a better analogy is standing on the edge a cliff. If I jump, despair. If I stand firm, even when I'm looking at canyons of hopelessness surrounding me, I'll stay in the joy of the Lord. The decision is mine. It's not as thoughtless as falling out of line; it's a commitment to Jesus that I'll root myself in His love and trust His goodness when there is no "goodness" to be seen.
Find rest, my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 62: 5-6
Maybe a better analogy is standing on the edge a cliff. If I jump, despair. If I stand firm, even when I'm looking at canyons of hopelessness surrounding me, I'll stay in the joy of the Lord. The decision is mine. It's not as thoughtless as falling out of line; it's a commitment to Jesus that I'll root myself in His love and trust His goodness when there is no "goodness" to be seen.
Find rest, my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 62: 5-6
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Being Human
Why do I find it so difficult to be human lately?
I don’t feel like it is enough. I feel so limited. I’m not content with just being human. It’s just not enough.
Although… I see the fragile beauty of being human. The desperate frailty in it. I need something so much greater than myself to satisfy what I can’t do and who I can’t be. I’m not comfortable in this human skin. I feel trapped. Something inside me is trapped by my humanity.
I have glimpsed eternity through human eyes and I can’t wrap my human mind around it. I have tasted the joy and pleasures of life that point to God, but I can’t fully appreciate them with my human tongue. I only partly see, partly hear, partly understand. I have tasted, I know I have, but it’s not enough. My soul yearns for something more. It aches to be free from this body of death.
Every minute, every second, I am closer to death. Traditionally, a scary thing, I can’t think of anything better. For when I die, my soul will be free.
“There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven
What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say
It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human
I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within
It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human”
Human - Civil Twilight
I don’t feel like it is enough. I feel so limited. I’m not content with just being human. It’s just not enough.
Although… I see the fragile beauty of being human. The desperate frailty in it. I need something so much greater than myself to satisfy what I can’t do and who I can’t be. I’m not comfortable in this human skin. I feel trapped. Something inside me is trapped by my humanity.
I have glimpsed eternity through human eyes and I can’t wrap my human mind around it. I have tasted the joy and pleasures of life that point to God, but I can’t fully appreciate them with my human tongue. I only partly see, partly hear, partly understand. I have tasted, I know I have, but it’s not enough. My soul yearns for something more. It aches to be free from this body of death.
Every minute, every second, I am closer to death. Traditionally, a scary thing, I can’t think of anything better. For when I die, my soul will be free.
“There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven
What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say
It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human
I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within
It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human”
Human - Civil Twilight
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Questioning...
I can't put words to the innumerable emotions wreaking havoc in my heart and soul right now. I haven't felt this desperate and pleading in so long. My mind runs through all the questions I refused to ask because I didn't want to come across doubtful and untrusting, but I can't fight them off any more. So many questions go unanswered, and that's life. I know that. Sometimes there are no answers and sometimes I'm okay with that. But then there are the times that I need answers. Almost like I'm not going to be able to bear it if I don't get them. I never really thought of myself as someone who needed help bearing anything. My life has been one where I have learned to suffer silently. No one could possibly understand. That's a very self-righteous way to think, but it's also a very lonely way to think.
I don't like feeling lonely, I just don't want to burden anyone else. Not even my Savior. You can tell me that's foolish and I would agree. But I can't do anything differently. I don't know how, though I desperately want to. It's probably unfair to post this since I'm not being very open about what my questions are and why I have them, but I don't know where else to get this out. Does it make me weak? Well, I am weak. That's evident. Can someone be weak and brave at the same time? Brave enough to ask the questions aloud?
I don't like feeling lonely, I just don't want to burden anyone else. Not even my Savior. You can tell me that's foolish and I would agree. But I can't do anything differently. I don't know how, though I desperately want to. It's probably unfair to post this since I'm not being very open about what my questions are and why I have them, but I don't know where else to get this out. Does it make me weak? Well, I am weak. That's evident. Can someone be weak and brave at the same time? Brave enough to ask the questions aloud?
Monday, March 9, 2009
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