tug-o-war

As I prepare to head to North Africa on July 4th, I find myself torn between two worlds: the material and the spiritual.

I live in the material, I breathe in the spiritual. (Living as in physically existing - the cold, hard reality. Breathing as in spiritually existing - for it is God Himself who gives me each breath.)

My idle time is spent in the material, when perhaps it should be spent in the spiritual. I work hard at trivial tasks of no eternal value and neglect to spend time with God in His word. It's easier to facebook (or blog - yikes!) for an hour instead of confessing and bearing my soul in prayer to my Abba...

As I pray for God to prepare my heart for my coming trip, I am flooded with the memories I made there last year. My heart breaks again, I long for nothing more than to be there among the poor, I find myself longing for a life free from the wealth and prosperity of America... But then again, I find myself spending time looking at elaborate house plans of which I would like to build a new home, I get emails about Victoria Secret's upcoming Semi-Annual Sale, I think about how I don't have enough shirts that are appropriate for North Africa and how I should hit the local Target and Kohl's, and, if I'm feeling lucky, New York and Co. (because they're my favorite).

This desperate tugging at my heart strings back and forth between two vastly different approaches to life has me feeling a mess! But... I don't think it's inherently wrong to want material things. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he specified that "the love of money is the root of all evil," not the money itself. But still, this small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why trust me with money at all, God?"