Dwelling on the Melancholy... It's good for your soul.

"The mark of rank in nature
Is capacity for pain;
And the anguish of the singer
Makes the sweetest of the strain."

I have always known I am a melancholy person. What some would call "depressing" are the things that appeal to me. I love a story with struggle and hardship. I love a story when someone overcomes immeasurable odds to gain an unspeakable prize; I feel deeply when there is some great loss for the character in the story. The hunky-dory life just doesn't appeal to me in any way. I have to admit that sometimes I am a glutton for punishment and I make things harder on myself than they have to be. I tend to complicate things, and I never really understood why until recently (it sounds kind of masochistic, doesn't it?). I think I just feel wrong about having some things handed to me.

The fact is, sometimes they are handed to me, and I need to look at those things as sweet, undeserved blessings from God (like the growing baby inside of me). But I still think that too many times, at least in American culture, we expect things to be easy and we want them without conflict. Pain hurts and we just don't to deal with it. I think it's because of the expectation for life to be pain-free, that we face the most disappointing and discouraging times of our lives. Instead of trying to discover what purpose the pain serves, we try to avoid it at all costs.

Well... no hardship makes for a very boring story, and I'm not satisfied with living a boring story. I'm also not interested in engaging in someone else's boring story. (Does that sound harsh? Well, I really feel passionately about this!) I listened to Donald Miller talk about this idea of life being a story. He said that conflict is a vital part in any interesting or worthwhile story. Who ever read a good book that didn't have an on-going conflict, an obstacle to be overcome in order to get their desired end?

Maybe that's what's wrong with our culture and this idea that "life is meaningless." Well, I'm sorry to say it, but if you think all life is meaningless, maybe you're just living out a boring story and it's your life that is currently meaningless. I think God offers much more for our lives. He is the greatest storyteller. I am fascinated by God's words to Ananias, His servant, as He tells him to go and seek out Saul, who has just been blinded by the Lord on his way to Damascus (Acts 9.)

v. 15 - 16 "But the Lord said to Ananias, 'Go! This man [Saul] is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.'"

God planned the suffering of Saul (shortly thereafter called Paul) into the story of this man's life. And by the sound of it, He planned great suffering. And who is the most talked about apostle now? Who's writings and teachings are we constantly looking to? Paul, our favorite New Testament hero behind Jesus, had one of the most conflict and pain-stricken lives of anyone I've ever heard of. And His story was told and continues to be told.

So, I encourage you, and most certainly myself, to embrace the suffering of this life. Embrace the story God wants to tell through your life, however painful it may be. Think of the Apostle Paul, Job, Moses, the twelve disciples, Stephen who was stoned, and love the God who has His hand over all of it. And don't forget to sing in your anguish, because that song is the most beautiful story you will ever tell.

Chew on this...

"But one of the worst results of being a slave and being forced to do things is that when there is no one to force you anymore, you find you have almost lost the power of forcing yourself."

C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

just a funny little unimportant

I just gave my 60 lb. standard poodle a haircut... now it looks like 500 bunnies spontaneously combusted in my yard.

And my life very much feels the same way. Everything spontaneously combusting. It's kind of fun, because I don't always hanker order or consistency, but it's also a little unnerving.

Time and Lovers... Ugh, Time, you evil life-sucker!

My head is spinning and a lot of things in my life have been stirred up lately. Old wounds being reopened, a searching for my calling in life, a restlessness in my heart, a constant wrestling with Time (I have decided that Time is my greatest enemy). In all of this I have lost my way a little bit. I have failed to spend time with God in His Word. I have been discouraged by my own lack of enthusiasm. I have given my heart over to other lovers thinking they will somehow satisfy. It's pathetic, really - I know this in my head, but my heart is failing to connect. Then I wake up from my slumber and wonder how so much Time has flown by.

I turned 27 on July 13th... I wasn't ready for it. I wanted to stop Time and say, "Hey! Please let me do that year over again... Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the last three years over again." But that's not possible, and I'm sure for good reason. I just get in these funks. And it's pretty hard to "unfunk" the "funk." I think I'll fight this all my life, as most people do. I think the part that needs to change is me. Me, and how I face the funk. I lose hope too easily, am too easily discouraged. I retreat behind the walls I've built instead of running to the fortress that is my God. It might help me to stop wasting Time and idolizing lesser loves if I would just turn to God in these times. (hm... ya think?!) Somehow, the practicing of such things is harder than the preaching. It's easy to preach it. I am really good at lecturing myself for hours, but when it comes time to actually do it... well, you can guess. Maybe it's just going to take more Time to figure it out. Ugh... Time.

tug-o-war

As I prepare to head to North Africa on July 4th, I find myself torn between two worlds: the material and the spiritual.

I live in the material, I breathe in the spiritual. (Living as in physically existing - the cold, hard reality. Breathing as in spiritually existing - for it is God Himself who gives me each breath.)

My idle time is spent in the material, when perhaps it should be spent in the spiritual. I work hard at trivial tasks of no eternal value and neglect to spend time with God in His word. It's easier to facebook (or blog - yikes!) for an hour instead of confessing and bearing my soul in prayer to my Abba...

As I pray for God to prepare my heart for my coming trip, I am flooded with the memories I made there last year. My heart breaks again, I long for nothing more than to be there among the poor, I find myself longing for a life free from the wealth and prosperity of America... But then again, I find myself spending time looking at elaborate house plans of which I would like to build a new home, I get emails about Victoria Secret's upcoming Semi-Annual Sale, I think about how I don't have enough shirts that are appropriate for North Africa and how I should hit the local Target and Kohl's, and, if I'm feeling lucky, New York and Co. (because they're my favorite).

This desperate tugging at my heart strings back and forth between two vastly different approaches to life has me feeling a mess! But... I don't think it's inherently wrong to want material things. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he specified that "the love of money is the root of all evil," not the money itself. But still, this small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why trust me with money at all, God?"

Despair and Joy - From Where Does My Hope Come?

Lately, I feel like I am constantly walking that thin line between utter despair and overwhelming joy. Most people wouldn't think there is a line between such drastically different things, but I know there is. The only difference between the two is God. Without Him, utter despair. With Him, overwhelming joy. People mistake joy for happiness. They are not synonymous. Happiness is circumstantial, and just like our circumstances it wavers unfailingly. Joy is so much deeper. It comes from knowing that life is hard and things don't always come easy. I taste joy when I taste pain, because God promised me that the pain won't last. I taste joy when I glimpse eternity. If I never felt pain, I would never know joy.

Maybe a better analogy is standing on the edge a cliff. If I jump, despair. If I stand firm, even when I'm looking at canyons of hopelessness surrounding me, I'll stay in the joy of the Lord. The decision is mine. It's not as thoughtless as falling out of line; it's a commitment to Jesus that I'll root myself in His love and trust His goodness when there is no "goodness" to be seen.


Find rest, my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 62: 5-6

Being Human

Why do I find it so difficult to be human lately?
I don’t feel like it is enough. I feel so limited. I’m not content with just being human. It’s just not enough.

Although… I see the fragile beauty of being human. The desperate frailty in it. I need something so much greater than myself to satisfy what I can’t do and who I can’t be. I’m not comfortable in this human skin. I feel trapped. Something inside me is trapped by my humanity.

I have glimpsed eternity through human eyes and I can’t wrap my human mind around it. I have tasted the joy and pleasures of life that point to God, but I can’t fully appreciate them with my human tongue. I only partly see, partly hear, partly understand. I have tasted, I know I have, but it’s not enough. My soul yearns for something more. It aches to be free from this body of death.

Every minute, every second, I am closer to death. Traditionally, a scary thing, I can’t think of anything better. For when I die, my soul will be free.


“There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human”

Human - Civil Twilight

Questioning...

I can't put words to the innumerable emotions wreaking havoc in my heart and soul right now. I haven't felt this desperate and pleading in so long. My mind runs through all the questions I refused to ask because I didn't want to come across doubtful and untrusting, but I can't fight them off any more. So many questions go unanswered, and that's life. I know that. Sometimes there are no answers and sometimes I'm okay with that. But then there are the times that I need answers. Almost like I'm not going to be able to bear it if I don't get them. I never really thought of myself as someone who needed help bearing anything. My life has been one where I have learned to suffer silently. No one could possibly understand. That's a very self-righteous way to think, but it's also a very lonely way to think.

I don't like feeling lonely, I just don't want to burden anyone else. Not even my Savior. You can tell me that's foolish and I would agree. But I can't do anything differently. I don't know how, though I desperately want to. It's probably unfair to post this since I'm not being very open about what my questions are and why I have them, but I don't know where else to get this out. Does it make me weak? Well, I am weak. That's evident. Can someone be weak and brave at the same time? Brave enough to ask the questions aloud?

Check it...

I'm writing for this site now. It's so much fun! :)

http://www.smallgroupexchange.com/Articles

Hardship Makes Character

From a devotional I receive through email...

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us" (Romans 8:37).

This is more than victory. This is a triumph so complete that we have not only escaped defeat and destruction, but we have destroyed our enemies and won a spoil so rich and valuable that we can thank God that the battle ever came. How can we be "more than conquerors"? We can get out of the conflict a spiritual discipline that will greatly strengthen our faith and establish our spiritual character. Temptation is necessary to settle and confirm us in the spiritual life. It is like the fire which burns in the colors of mineral painting, or like winds that cause the mighty cedars of the mountain to strike more deeply into the soil. Our spiritual conflicts are among our choicest blessings, and our great adversary is used to train us for his ultimate defeat. The ancient Phrygians had a legend that every time they conquered an enemy the victor absorbed the physical strength of his victim and added so much more to his own strength and valor. So temptation victoriously met doubles our spiritual strength and equipment. It is possible thus not only to defeat our enemy, but to capture him and make him fight in our ranks. The prophet Isaiah speaks of flying on the shoulders of the Philistines (Isa. 11:14). These Philistines were their deadly foes, but the figure suggested that they would be enabled not only to conquer the Philistines, but to use them to carry the victors on their shoulders for further triumphs. Just as the wise sailor can use a head wind to carry him forward by tacking and taking advantage of its impelling force; so it is possible for us in our spiritual life through the victorious grace of God to turn to account the things that seem most unfriendly and unfavorable, and to be able to say continually, "The things that were against me have happened to the furtherance of the Gospel." --Life More Abundantly

A noted scientist observing that "early voyagers fancied that the coral-building animals instinctively built up the great circles of the Atoll Islands to afford themselves protection in the inner parts," has disproved this fancy by showing that the insect builders can only live and thrive fronting the open ocean, and in the highly aerated foam of its resistless billows. So it has been commonly thought that protected ease is the most favorable condition of life, whereas all the noblest and strongest lives prove on the contrary that the endurance of hardship is the making of the men, and the factor that distinguishes between existence and vigorous vitality. Hardship makes character. --Selected

"Now thanks be unto God Who always leads us forth to triumph with the Anointed One, and Who diffuses by us the fragrance of the knowledge of Him in every place" (2 Cor. 2:14, literal translation).

I find the last part about the coral-building animals to be particularly interesting. It seems that mankind takes the view that we should build up as many barriers around our hearts as we possibly can. It makes sense in a lot of ways. We want to protect ourselves from invaders who would seek to harm us or hurt us. However, we take that so far as to use our walls as an excuse to stay comfortable and unchallenged. I fear that the worst way a man or woman can live is unchallenged. How hard and proud that makes our hearts. The hardship is part of the blessing. If you never taste sorrow, how can you ever truly appreciate joy?

My Resolution...

is to give up...

Wait a minute. That doesn't sound right. Resolutions are supposed to be made to challenge you and stretch you. Who resolves to give up?!

Well, I do. It may sound like I am taking the easy way out, but it's harder than you think. I am giving up the prideful notion that I have any capability in myself to make my life better. People make resolutions every year to better the quality of their lives, and they don't keep them. They don't keep them because they CAN'T. It's not for lack of desire or will-power. Our will-power turns out to be quite futile, and it discourages our desires because we feel hopeless. Why am I going to do that to myself year after year? It makes no sense.

If I truly believe that Christ is sufficient to meet all my needs, then why am I struggling to "better" my life? I have fooled myself into thinking that there is something He is withholding from me. I beg and plead with him for help and strength, as if He is denying me what I need. You don't beg and plead with someone who has already given you what you've asked for. Stanford quotes in the Green Letters, "Much of our begging fails to register in heaven because it fails to spring from right relations with the Father in union with Christ in death and resurrection: in which position one simply appropriates what is already his. 'All things,' says the Apostle Paul, 'are yours. And ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's' (1_Corinthians 3:21,23)."

A. W. Tozer writes, "we are forever asking God to do things that He either has already done or cannot do because of our unbelief. We plead for Him to speak when He has already spoken and is at that very moment speaking. We ask Him to come when He is already present and waiting for us to recognize Him. We beg the Holy Spirit to fill us while all the time we are preventing Him by our doubts." I would venture to say that it is not only our doubts that prohibit, but our pride. I am sure this is true for all people, but it seems to me that especially in America we believe we are capable of so much more than we actually are. Everyone can be an all-star, the President, or make the team. We puff ourselves, as well as others, up and it makes us quite ugly people, to be honest. This gives us as children a false hope. Sure, a little boy can TRY to be anything he wants to be, but when he fails we should rejoice because now he can move on to discover what God really has for his life. I think the way we tend to do things leads to the unraveling of depending solely on God through Christ Jesus to direct our lives.

I have come to face the fact that I take life into my own hands when I ask for something that will help ME accomplish the task of making ME a better person. And it doesn't take long before I fail at it. And when I fail, I crawl back to the Lord pleading and wondering why I can't seem to fix things and why I feel so distant from Him.

All that to say, this is why I resolve to give up. I give up my "right" to a better life. I give up my pride to think that I can actually do myself any good. I give up the hopelessness that sets in after I fail. Instead, I embrace the Lord Jesus. I ask that He takes the daunting task of making me a better person. I ask that He do the work for me because I know how weak I really am. Yes, I give up... and I think that's okay.