Loving = Hurting = Fear = Why Bother?

Guard Your Heart, Don't Suffocate It

October 28, 2008 | By: Tyler Kenney
Category: Commentary

“Guard your heart” is a good command. That’s because it’s biblical:

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

In its context, this verse suggests that keeping—or guarding—your heart means to retain wise words and resist wicked desires. But I’m afraid some people—ahem, me, too often—use it to justify being cowardly or cold instead of loving others, because we think that “guard your heart” means “don’t get hurt.”

C. S. Lewis provides the necessary rebuke:

Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as “Careful! This might lead you to suffering.”

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (From The Four Loves, as found in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis, 278-279.)

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1467_Guard_Your_Heart_Dont_Suffocate_It/

My good friend Kellie...

...is an excellent writer. Especially on this point of the "Is God sovereign, or is He not?" topic. So I am just going to post something she wrote. It speaks for itself.


In accepting a reformed perspective on God's sovereignty, I have sometimes wrestled with the deepest objection of all. Why is it that God creates us from nothing, and then ordains the introduction of our rebellion into the world only to punish us for it afterwards? He is God after all. Why did He even create the possibility of sin, pain, and death? How can He create horrific suffering and not be cruel?

In my questioning, I recognize that I have no ground to argue that God is unfair. I grasp that He holds the cards, made the rules, owns the game table, and even the house in which life is played. I would venture to say that I have accepted His power, and loved Him anyway, because I know He has the RIGHT. His goodness is not governed by the ethical obligations we answer to as human beings. He is not bound to relate to us as we are bound to relate to one another.

Ultimately, I have made an intellectual peace with His authority.

I think though, that there is a deeper, more emotional reason for trusting God's authority than a simple and cold acknowledgement that He is always right. A new idea has dawned in my mind and it began one day with the realization that God did not merely inflict suffering on His creation when He introduced the potential for sin:

GOD INFLICTED THE SUFFERING UPON HIMSELF.

That simple realization is the difference between being told to run through a wall of fire to reach safety on the other side, and having someone hold out their hand to run through the fire with you.

To step back then and consider that God is not only experiencing the hurt with us, but that He is incapable of authorizing suffering for less than perfect reasons, shows me that arbitration is the farthest attribute from His character. We in our ignorance assume there is a better way for our God to order His universe. Have we ever contemplated that He, the essence that which nothing greater has been conceived, can therefore authorize nothing besides perfection?

It occurs to me that our world of weakness, fragility, and sin will one day be a monument to the infinite power of God's redemption. Without sin, our world would appear perfect only in our own eyes. Without sin, there would never be the need for all the attributes of God we've come to know and love; His healing, His forgiveness, His grace, His mercy. Through those attributes, God has allowed us to commune with His goodness in a deeper way than could ever be achieved in a sinless world.

God's cosmological plan for the universe with its creation, fall, redemption, and eternal destiny then, is perfect. For reasons beyond our comprehension, the precise ordering of our suffering in this world is perfect as it is woven into the fabric of redemptive history.

Yet once again, and arguably most important, I must return to the understanding over and over that our suffering is a suffering he has entered and embraced. He stared down the fires of hell and experienced the torment of the damned. What is His response to that evil? He cries out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" and proceeds to silence the devil's demands forever. He then resuscitates the corpse of His once perfect creation one soul at a time, in down payment for the promise that one day, our world will be restored.

It is right for us to grieve and mourn the downfall of the lost, as God Himself wept over Jerusalem. It is right for us to hate the darkness and long for the day it will be conquered. Yet our consolation in grieving for the state of humanity is this: For the lost, He has never inflicted suffering on a single soul that He has not swallowed Himself. He uses the light to contrast the darkness, and in the end, wins the battle. And for the redeemed, as Spurgeon reminds us, "Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there."

Relating to people = Relationship... Right?

I am struggling to relate to a lot of people in my life right now. Does that mean I shouldn't bother pursuing relationships with them? I am so confused. I don't mean that I don't want them in my life at all, it's just that I am desperate for some serious, intimate, in your face relationship and accountability, and I thought I was finding that... and I haven't... and it's discouraging. I haven't had friendship drama like this since college! I thought I was over that hurdle in life. Guess you never really get over that hurdle ever.

Ugh... ever... I think I am discovering that in life there are a LOT of hurdles we never really get over ever. And apparently that's okay. Reading Paul's words in Romans 7 are a bittersweet contradiction of hope and despair wrapped into one horribly sweet package - the human body.

vs 18 - 25
I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. And so, if I don't do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God, although my selfish desires make me serve the law of sin.

With my WHOLE heart I agree with God's law. I do! But I don't follow it... I don't change. I don't conquer. I feel stupid, incapable, like a failure. And somehow, that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm not alone. I'm not the only one fighting day and night. Of all people to struggle endlessly, Paul struggled... Until the day he died. So how is it that I find joy in not being able to overcome all the hurdles? I don't know. It isn't me, but Christ who lives in me. And even though my life is a mess and I fall flat every day that I breathe, I'm reminded that I can't not fail. I will always fail. And the realization of that means that God wholly owns my heart. My ability to do nothing more than suck is proof that Jesus saved me and will win the victory in me. And my struggle will continue until this earthly body dies. And if there is ever a moment I am NOT stuggling... well, that is the moment I know I am out of God's grace. May that never be.

So what does that have to do with relationship? Um... I'll have to get back to you, but I think it just means that I'm going to be okay. It means that it's okay to struggle with loving and relating to people. Grace just needs to stay at the forefront of my thinking. My heart needs to stay open to the truth spoken in God's word. It means that in His perfect timing, the Lord will bring about the desires of my heart, in spite of my self and my failures. And that's a beautiful thing.

What I saw tonight...

...Was McCain laying the smackdown on Obama. And it surprised me, to be quite honest. Anyone who knows me can verify that I'm really turned off by both presidential hopefuls in a lot of ways. I really thought Obama would hold up better in a debate. Not that he was terrible, it's just that he's so acclaimed for his eloquence and execution of arguments.

I think a lot of the topics that came up favored McCain and his experience (Obama can't touch him on foreign policy), but even when talking about the financial crisis, I thought Obama was weak. I'm convinced he's going to spend more than McCain will at this point, and all my fact-checking shows me that when you compare the two records, McCain comes out on top. Cutting spending scares some people because important social initiatives will lose funding, but I'm sorry, in my humble opinion, faced with the quandary we're in, now is not the time to talk national health care.

Moreover, while I am hesitant to fully support McCain's plans for Iraq, I am not convinced Obama has a better solution. I really liked how McCain talked about focusing not on how and why we got into Iraq, but on what to do now that we're there. Sure, some people could have made better decisions in the beginning, but our position right now is good and yanking the magic carpet prematurely is NOT going to help our global standing. I mean, honestly... does Obama really think he can improve America's global standing? Last time I checked (like, when I was in a Muslim country of North Africa this summer) they aren't too keen on Obama either. They hate us for more than just our current President... It's not just about our leader. I saw first hand how much it is about our values and our love of freedom - it's about what America is BASED on. Newsflash: They hated us before Bush.

I'm not saying diplomacy is dead. But I think Obama showed tonight that he's not really sure what he would do and what talks he wants to have. That's how it came across to me. And I can say that this is the first election (of the 3 I've been able to vote in - CRAZY) that I've viewed both sides with an open mind.

Anyway, score at the closing of tonight's debate - McCain: 1 Obama: 0

We'll see how it goes from here on out. At this point, it's still anybody's game. I only wish one of the players was Ron Paul!


ps: This doesn't make me feel too good about ol' Barry...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5tZc8oH--o

things that make you go "hm..."

Like the fact that I was anti-presidential election in 2008 until I heard a woman named Sarah speak. I'm still not convinced that either outcome is good (a good outcome went to pot when Paul bowed out), but at least I have a reason to vote Republican again... kind of.

Like the fact that I nearly hate my job but have worked peacefully all day. Maybe it's not the job itself I hate, but what it is doing to me. I am always stressed. And stress does not look good on me.

I have to admit, last week I was ready to quit and never look back. However, I can't say that I would be at peace with that decision. I may not be good at the "follow-through," but I can't bear the thought of quitting a job before I've finished strong, especially this job. I've given it so much, it would be hard to rip away from that. I am still learning so much about myself and my limits. But at what cost? Sure, I am sacrificing a lot (my best health, my best marriage even) to work the way I do, but I don't really think there is another viable option right now. hm....

Listening to Hillary...

Watching the Democratic National Convention; listening to Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton. I have to say, she sounds great. If I weren't into thinking so much, I might be one of those people who just follow along. All I have to say is this: I don't buy any of it. I don't buy what's being said at the DNC, and I won't buy what will be said at the RNC. Both candidates suck. I don't like either one, and I don't want to VOTE for either one. I refuse to become apathetic, so I WILL vote... but I really don't want to.

I was talking to a friend today who spent some time overseas this summer like me. We talked about how our mindsets have kind of shifted from "national" to "international." What does that mean? Still trying to figure that out... But what I think it means to me is that I can't stand having this idea in my mind that says all there is is America. The idea that the world revolves around America. When I was in North Africa teaching English, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The worker said, "We're trying to change our national business language to English... but before you make any assumptions as to why we would want to do that, I will remind you that Saudi Arabia and China both use English as their primary business language." Wait a minute... you mean to tell me that they are using OUR language because of Saudi and China?! That's exactly right. America is not in good standing with the world right now. Another thing that was brought to my attnention in Africa was that "they love our people but hate our government..." Hats off to the past few administrations for that.

I don't think it's a Bush thing, I think it's a general American politics thing. We are selfish and greedy and LAZY, and we don't really care who takes over as long as they give us what we think we want. And ladies and gentlemen, I believe that's why the world hates us (generally speaking). And that's why I have decided to shift my mindset outside of the U.S. borders (physical and mental) and focus on an international perspective. I want to be a global thinker. A global Christian. Because I'll tell you right now, "American Christians" are lame, self-centered, shallow thinkers. Trust me, I was (and probably in large part, still am) one.

Why I'm not a good blogger...

I have figured it out! I am a terrible blogger BECAUSE... I am not creative enough to turn everyday stories and the shallow, albeit happy, things of life into amazing reads. And to be honest, my life is not really that interesting. I have no kids to post pictures of, I don't have crazy adventures every day, I don't have incredible intellect to share my expertise and advice on any given issue, and I don't grow dreads or make art out of garbage bags... SO, because of that, I am left to pour out the deepest thoughts of my heart. To be completely vulnerable is the only other way to make a blog "read-worthy." To identify with and relate to the deepest intricacies of a person's life... That is what would make a blog significant.

And I can't do that. It's too scary.

Freedom... True Freedom.

I am back from North Africa! What an amazing experience. I love new cultures and being completely immersed in other "worlds." Even with my self-proclaimed open-mindedness, I never expected to be so floored by what I experienced. Americans have very strong assumptions about Muslim culture and the religion of Islam - many justified, many not. I have to admit I was a little uneasy to be surrounded by an entire nation of practicing Muslims. I heard that the people were friendly and warm, but I also can't take for granted that I am not even allowed to say the name of the country and the "workers" (aka missionaries) that work there because it is a Muslim country; it's a police state... The dichotomy perplexed me. I was curious enough to go and see what it was all about. What further entrenched the dichotomy of this beautiful North African country was the tug and pull between Western modernism and traditional Islam. On the same street, you will see one Arab woman in Juicy Couture midriff tops, and another in ninja-like black garb with a scarf that covers even her eyes.

I am still processing everything I experienced. I am still longing to see again the women and girls I met through teaching English. I hope for the love of Christ to change their lives and help them realize and believe in their potential. One dear friend wants to be a nurse. She wants to leave her native country altogether so that she can be free from what her society says is her only role. She would never admit it, but I know that deep down she wants to be free from her religion. Everything she shared with me cries out for freedom...

And I suppose that I understood for the first time what true freedom is all about. I thought to myself so many times, "If they only had the freedom to choose! If she was only free to choose her own way, her own belief." Lovely people walking blindly, many following the prophet Mohammad for no other reason than that's just what they have been told to do. Maybe not too far off from why many Christians are Christians.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

The truth about just how sporadic my blogging is and will continue to be is really showing itself. It's not that I don't have a lot to say - I do! - it's that I haven't the time. I write this blog right now during work hours, and some would say that I am cheating by blogging while on the clock. Maybe I am.

I was just listening to Emmy Rossum's rendition of "Rainy Days and Mondays." Funny how such a lyrically gloomy song can be so catchy and upbeat.

I whole-heartedly empathize with the last verse of the song right now:

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Maybe that's why I don't blog non-stop: no need to talk it out...
Although I can't say that we know what it's all about...
I don't, anyway.

April is Over!

And now summer is here... Well, almost.

I can't say I miss the busyness of April, but I do regret that I didn't do more with that time in my life. Granted, it was hectic and I was overwhelmed, but it seems that when I look back on times like that I always have a sense of regret. Regret... Now that is regrettable. I shouldn't live with regret. But let's be honest, most people have regrets though many will not admit them. Anyway, that's not my point.

I was thinking today about why I have let certain passions of mine slip through the cracks. I used to care so much about so many things, and as of late, I have no passion. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. I do have passion, I just don't live it out. SO! I am reclaiming some of those passions. I am going to start living again; living in a way that drains me, humbles me, and betters me because of the kingdom to where I am heading. I refuse to let finite things overwhelm me, pushing out of my life the things I should be living for. Does that make sense? It does to me...

I am in a business meeting and all the chattering I hear (and should be listening to) are distracting me from completely focusing on what I am writing... I'll reread this later and maybe clarify... So much for not being overwhelmed! We'll work on it. :)

I can't believe it, but I gave away a car Saturday. A beautiful 2007 Mustang went home with a Liberty University graduating senior. I am happy for him. He will be commissioned the day before graduation, and I am sure will leave this country to serve shortly after. He deserves it. I'm happy with the outcome.

I'm also happy about life. At least, I am happiER about life than I was when I last posted. I really have nothing to complain about. I have seen the Lord's blessings in countless ways since the beginning of this glorious month. I mean, come on... Isn't April glorious? It ushers in new life. I LOVE spring. It takes me back in my mind to carefree times of lemonade, flip-flops, and GoodWood softball... Pink shirts with green stripes, super blonde hair, and Sara and Allie's laughter (those two friends of mine have the BEST laughs ever laughed). It also makes me think about a song I used to know... perhaps that song can be introduced to you...

Every evening sky
An invitation
To trace the pattern stars
And early in July
A celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice you
In children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are Summer

And even when the trees
Have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves
In mid-September
And sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are Autumn

And every thing in time
And under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white
All creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are Winter

And every thing thats new
Has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through
Is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every seasons change
And so it will be

as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

~Nichole Nordeman

*sigh*

I am a little beat. Like... ti-ered! Work is a bit overwhelming at the moment. So many projects and events are building up and getting ready to explode and I am not sure I am ready for it. The problem with it all is I don't know when it is going to slow down. I have to open a brand new full-service restaurant to rave reviews from the client, give away a 2007 Ford Mustang, support sustainability efforts in all of our food service locations, and get two of our renovated locations featured in American Schools and Universities Magazine's Educational Interior Showcase 2008 - all within the month of April! Not to mention the little things like resident dining events, implementing new deli, pizza, and grill programs, and making sure we are looking sharp enough in our merchandising to constitute being the "showcase account" in our region. I don't know if I can do it all!!! AGH! And if you think that everything I just said confuses you, imagine how much more it confuses me! haha

I'm trying to remain positive and be thankful for the job God has given me... It's just a little disheartening that because of my work, I don't think I have been able to truly reflect on the fact that Jesus' life, death, and resurrection have changed the course of my destiny and that He should be celebrated, especially around Easter. The message I heard at church on Sunday really broke me and made me realize how desperately I need the love of Jesus, and how wonderful it is that He has lavished love on me. But it also made me realize how much more I should be dwelling on His love and what that means for eternity and less on my immediate circumstances.

I keep thinking, "Oh, if only I were doing this with my life or was involved in that ministry, I would have more time to love God and spend time in His Word..." A good friend recently told me as I shared my heart to go to Africa this summer on a church missions trip: "As now, so then." Basically, the way things are now will be what they are then. If I don't make time to grow my faith now, going on missions trip won't change that. If I feel like the work I am doing now is not "good enough," nothing I do instead will satisfy either. I need to focus on where God has me and WHY He has me here, and stop questioning His sovereignty in my life. Only through thoughtful prayer and searching His Word will I know that I need to change occupations. If I don't trust God in my life now, what will make me trust Him if I do something "more worthy of His kingdom?"

So maybe planning events and making snotty college students happy about the food they eat isn't glamorous,and maybe it's not even eternal... All I know is that God has me here for a reason. And I refuse to stress about my circumstances and question the worth of what I am doing. Maybe one day I will get the chance to write wild and exciting stories about my ministries in Africa and Asia... Maybe not. It doesn't matter. I just pray that whatever I do, it pleases the Lord who loves me so.

hm...

Maybe I won't be too good at this blogging thing. It's not that I don't love to write (and even wish I were good enough to make a living on it). I just think I am too inconsistent to keep it up. Now, that's a pretty vulnerable statement. I don't really want to admit to you that I am too inconsistent - I dare say, too lazy - to blog/write consistently, but I decided a long time ago that being vulnerable is the essence of being woman.

Speaking of vulnerability... I think people mistakenly assume that being vulnerable is being weak. That is simply not true. I am not weak. I would venture to say that I am exceptionally strong. Almost too strong. I don't mean strong like I'm a "badass;" I'm really quite sensitive. I mean strong in that I do not give up easily (maybe the reason I am forcing myself to blog knowing that I will suck at it; at least at first). Strong because I choose to face my flaws everyday and even expose them to you. This puts me at risk of being hurt, but I don't really care. Hurt me; it will only make me stronger. Yes, I am strong. I'd like to think so, anyway. :)

Why I'm doing this...

I am a woman of many thoughts and even more emotions. I have a tendency of diving head first into issues of importance to me. My mind gets lost in and consumed by my feelings, and therefore, my opinions (no matter how much they change on the way down). I can't "take things lightly" if I have committed myself to them. I never knew how deeply true this is to my being until this year's primaries. Oh, heavens! you would think I, myself, were running for president!

Because the majority of the world doesn't really care to know how I feel about politics, social issues, relationships, and (or) how a diner should be designed, I end up venting it all to my husband. He is a good listener and he tries his best to sympathize with me, but it was revealed to me that... you know... he probably cares as much as the rest of the world does sometimes.

He said to me ever so politely, "Have you ever thought about starting a blog?" Well, no. No I haven't! Why should I? If YOU don't care about what irks me, why would anyone else? I mean, I THOUGHT that you would at least care... I think most of this without saying it... Well, here I am. Starting a blog. Not sure why even still. Nick says I write well. I'm not so sure about that. Nonetheless, I will blog. Only because I take Nick's opinion seriously, and if he thinks I should blog, I will. Even if he has selfish motives (giving his own ears a rest).

***The post below was written a little while ago, but it still means so much to me that I wanted it to be my first post. I suppose I should have posted this current rambling as way of introduction, but I think what I write will tell you all you need to know about me.

Now, I'm posting this without proofing it because I am at work, at risk of being caught blogging any moment. So, happy reading to any poor soul who comes across this blog and takes time to read...

To all my women friends... Men can read too.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I'm going... I'm 25 years old now, recently graduated with my Masters degree... And life is nothing like I thought it would be when I first started out on my journey into adulthood. Granted, many of the things that happened to me have been glorious acts of God's love toward me. Like Nick, for example. I never thought I'd get married before I was 28 or maybe 30! And then God steps in and changes my direction with a fabulous sense of irony, because Nick and I were friends for two years before we even began to date (he was the last person I thought I'd end up with). Needless to say, marriage has been the greatest thing to happen to me next to salvation. No person has tested me and taught me more than Nick. No one has loved me more, and that is the picture of Christ and His church. It's beautiful.

However, disappointment has met my path on all too many occasions. I have found myself to be very incapable and very unlovable in every human perspective. I am also not very passionate about what I say is important to me. I love God. He has shown me His truth, His love, and His mercy time and again. I say that He is my rock and the source of my life. Jesus is my savior... I say these things and I believe that there is only salvation through Jesus alone.... and then I don't act on what I know; what I say I believe. Oh, sure, I'm a good person, right? I don't live a life that goes totally against His law. I am involved in a church, I tithe faithfully, I "do the right things." I think... So why, for the past two years or so, do I always feel like something's missing. I can't explain this big void I've felt. It's so empty and expansive. Sometimes it feels better than other times, but it's always there. I've been hurt a lot in my life, just like you who are reading this. And those wounds never go away. They're always there, and at times something happens that opens those wounds again and causes me to relive all the pain I've felt from the past. My personal struggle is that I've always felt as though I am not good enough... Or maybe it is that I am too much. There are insecurities that bring me to a place of fear and doubt. Fear that I will never be truly loved, and fear that I need to hide part of me from the world so that I don't become unlovable. And doubt that I can ever really be wanted, or worse yet, needed. Could anyone ever need me? Impossible.

*Alright, enough vulnerability*

What God is revealing to me, slowly, but surely, is that I am needed. We are all needed. Despite what the world has done to me, how worthless it has made me feel, I was created for a purpose. It sounds nice to admit that, but what does that really mean? I am a woman; I am Eve. I am the counterpart to Adam. I am compassion and nurture. I am the crowning glory of God's creation; the finale. Woman, who has been beaten down, oppressed, silenced, and patronized throughout history, is God's final touch. Woman is the pinnacle of His holy creation. We are spin-offs of HIS nature! We have a purpose, and it is not to be minimized. Since the fall of mankind Eve, and all of her daughters, experienced (and are still experiencing) the pain of vulnerability. We have been wounded, and it has caused us to hide and to doubt ourselves. We feel guilty for being too much to handle and we feel an aching that we will never be good enough. These fears have silenced us, always causing us to doubt ourselves, and inevitably God. And the world is dying because of it. We are a world at war, and God calls for times of war. But because of war, there are too many people hurting. Where is their peace? What the world needs now more than ever, is women. Their voices, their love, their peace. I don't know my purpose yet. I'm still searching. Perhaps it will never be revealed clearly to me. But... I know that God is calling me to Himself, leading me down a path of purpose, out my fear and my doubt. And I will try to shake off the rags I have worn so long to become that crowning glory of creation that He desires for every woman to emmulate.