Dwelling on the Melancholy... It's good for your soul.

"The mark of rank in nature
Is capacity for pain;
And the anguish of the singer
Makes the sweetest of the strain."

I have always known I am a melancholy person. What some would call "depressing" are the things that appeal to me. I love a story with struggle and hardship. I love a story when someone overcomes immeasurable odds to gain an unspeakable prize; I feel deeply when there is some great loss for the character in the story. The hunky-dory life just doesn't appeal to me in any way. I have to admit that sometimes I am a glutton for punishment and I make things harder on myself than they have to be. I tend to complicate things, and I never really understood why until recently (it sounds kind of masochistic, doesn't it?). I think I just feel wrong about having some things handed to me.

The fact is, sometimes they are handed to me, and I need to look at those things as sweet, undeserved blessings from God (like the growing baby inside of me). But I still think that too many times, at least in American culture, we expect things to be easy and we want them without conflict. Pain hurts and we just don't to deal with it. I think it's because of the expectation for life to be pain-free, that we face the most disappointing and discouraging times of our lives. Instead of trying to discover what purpose the pain serves, we try to avoid it at all costs.

Well... no hardship makes for a very boring story, and I'm not satisfied with living a boring story. I'm also not interested in engaging in someone else's boring story. (Does that sound harsh? Well, I really feel passionately about this!) I listened to Donald Miller talk about this idea of life being a story. He said that conflict is a vital part in any interesting or worthwhile story. Who ever read a good book that didn't have an on-going conflict, an obstacle to be overcome in order to get their desired end?

Maybe that's what's wrong with our culture and this idea that "life is meaningless." Well, I'm sorry to say it, but if you think all life is meaningless, maybe you're just living out a boring story and it's your life that is currently meaningless. I think God offers much more for our lives. He is the greatest storyteller. I am fascinated by God's words to Ananias, His servant, as He tells him to go and seek out Saul, who has just been blinded by the Lord on his way to Damascus (Acts 9.)

v. 15 - 16 "But the Lord said to Ananias, 'Go! This man [Saul] is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.'"

God planned the suffering of Saul (shortly thereafter called Paul) into the story of this man's life. And by the sound of it, He planned great suffering. And who is the most talked about apostle now? Who's writings and teachings are we constantly looking to? Paul, our favorite New Testament hero behind Jesus, had one of the most conflict and pain-stricken lives of anyone I've ever heard of. And His story was told and continues to be told.

So, I encourage you, and most certainly myself, to embrace the suffering of this life. Embrace the story God wants to tell through your life, however painful it may be. Think of the Apostle Paul, Job, Moses, the twelve disciples, Stephen who was stoned, and love the God who has His hand over all of it. And don't forget to sing in your anguish, because that song is the most beautiful story you will ever tell.

Chew on this...

"But one of the worst results of being a slave and being forced to do things is that when there is no one to force you anymore, you find you have almost lost the power of forcing yourself."

C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

just a funny little unimportant

I just gave my 60 lb. standard poodle a haircut... now it looks like 500 bunnies spontaneously combusted in my yard.

And my life very much feels the same way. Everything spontaneously combusting. It's kind of fun, because I don't always hanker order or consistency, but it's also a little unnerving.

Time and Lovers... Ugh, Time, you evil life-sucker!

My head is spinning and a lot of things in my life have been stirred up lately. Old wounds being reopened, a searching for my calling in life, a restlessness in my heart, a constant wrestling with Time (I have decided that Time is my greatest enemy). In all of this I have lost my way a little bit. I have failed to spend time with God in His Word. I have been discouraged by my own lack of enthusiasm. I have given my heart over to other lovers thinking they will somehow satisfy. It's pathetic, really - I know this in my head, but my heart is failing to connect. Then I wake up from my slumber and wonder how so much Time has flown by.

I turned 27 on July 13th... I wasn't ready for it. I wanted to stop Time and say, "Hey! Please let me do that year over again... Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the last three years over again." But that's not possible, and I'm sure for good reason. I just get in these funks. And it's pretty hard to "unfunk" the "funk." I think I'll fight this all my life, as most people do. I think the part that needs to change is me. Me, and how I face the funk. I lose hope too easily, am too easily discouraged. I retreat behind the walls I've built instead of running to the fortress that is my God. It might help me to stop wasting Time and idolizing lesser loves if I would just turn to God in these times. (hm... ya think?!) Somehow, the practicing of such things is harder than the preaching. It's easy to preach it. I am really good at lecturing myself for hours, but when it comes time to actually do it... well, you can guess. Maybe it's just going to take more Time to figure it out. Ugh... Time.

tug-o-war

As I prepare to head to North Africa on July 4th, I find myself torn between two worlds: the material and the spiritual.

I live in the material, I breathe in the spiritual. (Living as in physically existing - the cold, hard reality. Breathing as in spiritually existing - for it is God Himself who gives me each breath.)

My idle time is spent in the material, when perhaps it should be spent in the spiritual. I work hard at trivial tasks of no eternal value and neglect to spend time with God in His word. It's easier to facebook (or blog - yikes!) for an hour instead of confessing and bearing my soul in prayer to my Abba...

As I pray for God to prepare my heart for my coming trip, I am flooded with the memories I made there last year. My heart breaks again, I long for nothing more than to be there among the poor, I find myself longing for a life free from the wealth and prosperity of America... But then again, I find myself spending time looking at elaborate house plans of which I would like to build a new home, I get emails about Victoria Secret's upcoming Semi-Annual Sale, I think about how I don't have enough shirts that are appropriate for North Africa and how I should hit the local Target and Kohl's, and, if I'm feeling lucky, New York and Co. (because they're my favorite).

This desperate tugging at my heart strings back and forth between two vastly different approaches to life has me feeling a mess! But... I don't think it's inherently wrong to want material things. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he specified that "the love of money is the root of all evil," not the money itself. But still, this small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why trust me with money at all, God?"

Despair and Joy - From Where Does My Hope Come?

Lately, I feel like I am constantly walking that thin line between utter despair and overwhelming joy. Most people wouldn't think there is a line between such drastically different things, but I know there is. The only difference between the two is God. Without Him, utter despair. With Him, overwhelming joy. People mistake joy for happiness. They are not synonymous. Happiness is circumstantial, and just like our circumstances it wavers unfailingly. Joy is so much deeper. It comes from knowing that life is hard and things don't always come easy. I taste joy when I taste pain, because God promised me that the pain won't last. I taste joy when I glimpse eternity. If I never felt pain, I would never know joy.

Maybe a better analogy is standing on the edge a cliff. If I jump, despair. If I stand firm, even when I'm looking at canyons of hopelessness surrounding me, I'll stay in the joy of the Lord. The decision is mine. It's not as thoughtless as falling out of line; it's a commitment to Jesus that I'll root myself in His love and trust His goodness when there is no "goodness" to be seen.


Find rest, my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 62: 5-6

Being Human

Why do I find it so difficult to be human lately?
I don’t feel like it is enough. I feel so limited. I’m not content with just being human. It’s just not enough.

Although… I see the fragile beauty of being human. The desperate frailty in it. I need something so much greater than myself to satisfy what I can’t do and who I can’t be. I’m not comfortable in this human skin. I feel trapped. Something inside me is trapped by my humanity.

I have glimpsed eternity through human eyes and I can’t wrap my human mind around it. I have tasted the joy and pleasures of life that point to God, but I can’t fully appreciate them with my human tongue. I only partly see, partly hear, partly understand. I have tasted, I know I have, but it’s not enough. My soul yearns for something more. It aches to be free from this body of death.

Every minute, every second, I am closer to death. Traditionally, a scary thing, I can’t think of anything better. For when I die, my soul will be free.


“There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human”

Human - Civil Twilight