Being Human

Why do I find it so difficult to be human lately?
I don’t feel like it is enough. I feel so limited. I’m not content with just being human. It’s just not enough.

Although… I see the fragile beauty of being human. The desperate frailty in it. I need something so much greater than myself to satisfy what I can’t do and who I can’t be. I’m not comfortable in this human skin. I feel trapped. Something inside me is trapped by my humanity.

I have glimpsed eternity through human eyes and I can’t wrap my human mind around it. I have tasted the joy and pleasures of life that point to God, but I can’t fully appreciate them with my human tongue. I only partly see, partly hear, partly understand. I have tasted, I know I have, but it’s not enough. My soul yearns for something more. It aches to be free from this body of death.

Every minute, every second, I am closer to death. Traditionally, a scary thing, I can’t think of anything better. For when I die, my soul will be free.


“There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human”

Human - Civil Twilight

Questioning...

I can't put words to the innumerable emotions wreaking havoc in my heart and soul right now. I haven't felt this desperate and pleading in so long. My mind runs through all the questions I refused to ask because I didn't want to come across doubtful and untrusting, but I can't fight them off any more. So many questions go unanswered, and that's life. I know that. Sometimes there are no answers and sometimes I'm okay with that. But then there are the times that I need answers. Almost like I'm not going to be able to bear it if I don't get them. I never really thought of myself as someone who needed help bearing anything. My life has been one where I have learned to suffer silently. No one could possibly understand. That's a very self-righteous way to think, but it's also a very lonely way to think.

I don't like feeling lonely, I just don't want to burden anyone else. Not even my Savior. You can tell me that's foolish and I would agree. But I can't do anything differently. I don't know how, though I desperately want to. It's probably unfair to post this since I'm not being very open about what my questions are and why I have them, but I don't know where else to get this out. Does it make me weak? Well, I am weak. That's evident. Can someone be weak and brave at the same time? Brave enough to ask the questions aloud?