Relating to people = Relationship... Right?

I am struggling to relate to a lot of people in my life right now. Does that mean I shouldn't bother pursuing relationships with them? I am so confused. I don't mean that I don't want them in my life at all, it's just that I am desperate for some serious, intimate, in your face relationship and accountability, and I thought I was finding that... and I haven't... and it's discouraging. I haven't had friendship drama like this since college! I thought I was over that hurdle in life. Guess you never really get over that hurdle ever.

Ugh... ever... I think I am discovering that in life there are a LOT of hurdles we never really get over ever. And apparently that's okay. Reading Paul's words in Romans 7 are a bittersweet contradiction of hope and despair wrapped into one horribly sweet package - the human body.

vs 18 - 25
I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. And so, if I don't do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God, although my selfish desires make me serve the law of sin.

With my WHOLE heart I agree with God's law. I do! But I don't follow it... I don't change. I don't conquer. I feel stupid, incapable, like a failure. And somehow, that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm not alone. I'm not the only one fighting day and night. Of all people to struggle endlessly, Paul struggled... Until the day he died. So how is it that I find joy in not being able to overcome all the hurdles? I don't know. It isn't me, but Christ who lives in me. And even though my life is a mess and I fall flat every day that I breathe, I'm reminded that I can't not fail. I will always fail. And the realization of that means that God wholly owns my heart. My ability to do nothing more than suck is proof that Jesus saved me and will win the victory in me. And my struggle will continue until this earthly body dies. And if there is ever a moment I am NOT stuggling... well, that is the moment I know I am out of God's grace. May that never be.

So what does that have to do with relationship? Um... I'll have to get back to you, but I think it just means that I'm going to be okay. It means that it's okay to struggle with loving and relating to people. Grace just needs to stay at the forefront of my thinking. My heart needs to stay open to the truth spoken in God's word. It means that in His perfect timing, the Lord will bring about the desires of my heart, in spite of my self and my failures. And that's a beautiful thing.