Relating to people = Relationship... Right?

I am struggling to relate to a lot of people in my life right now. Does that mean I shouldn't bother pursuing relationships with them? I am so confused. I don't mean that I don't want them in my life at all, it's just that I am desperate for some serious, intimate, in your face relationship and accountability, and I thought I was finding that... and I haven't... and it's discouraging. I haven't had friendship drama like this since college! I thought I was over that hurdle in life. Guess you never really get over that hurdle ever.

Ugh... ever... I think I am discovering that in life there are a LOT of hurdles we never really get over ever. And apparently that's okay. Reading Paul's words in Romans 7 are a bittersweet contradiction of hope and despair wrapped into one horribly sweet package - the human body.

vs 18 - 25
I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. And so, if I don't do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God, although my selfish desires make me serve the law of sin.

With my WHOLE heart I agree with God's law. I do! But I don't follow it... I don't change. I don't conquer. I feel stupid, incapable, like a failure. And somehow, that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm not alone. I'm not the only one fighting day and night. Of all people to struggle endlessly, Paul struggled... Until the day he died. So how is it that I find joy in not being able to overcome all the hurdles? I don't know. It isn't me, but Christ who lives in me. And even though my life is a mess and I fall flat every day that I breathe, I'm reminded that I can't not fail. I will always fail. And the realization of that means that God wholly owns my heart. My ability to do nothing more than suck is proof that Jesus saved me and will win the victory in me. And my struggle will continue until this earthly body dies. And if there is ever a moment I am NOT stuggling... well, that is the moment I know I am out of God's grace. May that never be.

So what does that have to do with relationship? Um... I'll have to get back to you, but I think it just means that I'm going to be okay. It means that it's okay to struggle with loving and relating to people. Grace just needs to stay at the forefront of my thinking. My heart needs to stay open to the truth spoken in God's word. It means that in His perfect timing, the Lord will bring about the desires of my heart, in spite of my self and my failures. And that's a beautiful thing.

What I saw tonight...

...Was McCain laying the smackdown on Obama. And it surprised me, to be quite honest. Anyone who knows me can verify that I'm really turned off by both presidential hopefuls in a lot of ways. I really thought Obama would hold up better in a debate. Not that he was terrible, it's just that he's so acclaimed for his eloquence and execution of arguments.

I think a lot of the topics that came up favored McCain and his experience (Obama can't touch him on foreign policy), but even when talking about the financial crisis, I thought Obama was weak. I'm convinced he's going to spend more than McCain will at this point, and all my fact-checking shows me that when you compare the two records, McCain comes out on top. Cutting spending scares some people because important social initiatives will lose funding, but I'm sorry, in my humble opinion, faced with the quandary we're in, now is not the time to talk national health care.

Moreover, while I am hesitant to fully support McCain's plans for Iraq, I am not convinced Obama has a better solution. I really liked how McCain talked about focusing not on how and why we got into Iraq, but on what to do now that we're there. Sure, some people could have made better decisions in the beginning, but our position right now is good and yanking the magic carpet prematurely is NOT going to help our global standing. I mean, honestly... does Obama really think he can improve America's global standing? Last time I checked (like, when I was in a Muslim country of North Africa this summer) they aren't too keen on Obama either. They hate us for more than just our current President... It's not just about our leader. I saw first hand how much it is about our values and our love of freedom - it's about what America is BASED on. Newsflash: They hated us before Bush.

I'm not saying diplomacy is dead. But I think Obama showed tonight that he's not really sure what he would do and what talks he wants to have. That's how it came across to me. And I can say that this is the first election (of the 3 I've been able to vote in - CRAZY) that I've viewed both sides with an open mind.

Anyway, score at the closing of tonight's debate - McCain: 1 Obama: 0

We'll see how it goes from here on out. At this point, it's still anybody's game. I only wish one of the players was Ron Paul!


ps: This doesn't make me feel too good about ol' Barry...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5tZc8oH--o

things that make you go "hm..."

Like the fact that I was anti-presidential election in 2008 until I heard a woman named Sarah speak. I'm still not convinced that either outcome is good (a good outcome went to pot when Paul bowed out), but at least I have a reason to vote Republican again... kind of.

Like the fact that I nearly hate my job but have worked peacefully all day. Maybe it's not the job itself I hate, but what it is doing to me. I am always stressed. And stress does not look good on me.

I have to admit, last week I was ready to quit and never look back. However, I can't say that I would be at peace with that decision. I may not be good at the "follow-through," but I can't bear the thought of quitting a job before I've finished strong, especially this job. I've given it so much, it would be hard to rip away from that. I am still learning so much about myself and my limits. But at what cost? Sure, I am sacrificing a lot (my best health, my best marriage even) to work the way I do, but I don't really think there is another viable option right now. hm....

Listening to Hillary...

Watching the Democratic National Convention; listening to Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton. I have to say, she sounds great. If I weren't into thinking so much, I might be one of those people who just follow along. All I have to say is this: I don't buy any of it. I don't buy what's being said at the DNC, and I won't buy what will be said at the RNC. Both candidates suck. I don't like either one, and I don't want to VOTE for either one. I refuse to become apathetic, so I WILL vote... but I really don't want to.

I was talking to a friend today who spent some time overseas this summer like me. We talked about how our mindsets have kind of shifted from "national" to "international." What does that mean? Still trying to figure that out... But what I think it means to me is that I can't stand having this idea in my mind that says all there is is America. The idea that the world revolves around America. When I was in North Africa teaching English, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The worker said, "We're trying to change our national business language to English... but before you make any assumptions as to why we would want to do that, I will remind you that Saudi Arabia and China both use English as their primary business language." Wait a minute... you mean to tell me that they are using OUR language because of Saudi and China?! That's exactly right. America is not in good standing with the world right now. Another thing that was brought to my attnention in Africa was that "they love our people but hate our government..." Hats off to the past few administrations for that.

I don't think it's a Bush thing, I think it's a general American politics thing. We are selfish and greedy and LAZY, and we don't really care who takes over as long as they give us what we think we want. And ladies and gentlemen, I believe that's why the world hates us (generally speaking). And that's why I have decided to shift my mindset outside of the U.S. borders (physical and mental) and focus on an international perspective. I want to be a global thinker. A global Christian. Because I'll tell you right now, "American Christians" are lame, self-centered, shallow thinkers. Trust me, I was (and probably in large part, still am) one.

Why I'm not a good blogger...

I have figured it out! I am a terrible blogger BECAUSE... I am not creative enough to turn everyday stories and the shallow, albeit happy, things of life into amazing reads. And to be honest, my life is not really that interesting. I have no kids to post pictures of, I don't have crazy adventures every day, I don't have incredible intellect to share my expertise and advice on any given issue, and I don't grow dreads or make art out of garbage bags... SO, because of that, I am left to pour out the deepest thoughts of my heart. To be completely vulnerable is the only other way to make a blog "read-worthy." To identify with and relate to the deepest intricacies of a person's life... That is what would make a blog significant.

And I can't do that. It's too scary.

Freedom... True Freedom.

I am back from North Africa! What an amazing experience. I love new cultures and being completely immersed in other "worlds." Even with my self-proclaimed open-mindedness, I never expected to be so floored by what I experienced. Americans have very strong assumptions about Muslim culture and the religion of Islam - many justified, many not. I have to admit I was a little uneasy to be surrounded by an entire nation of practicing Muslims. I heard that the people were friendly and warm, but I also can't take for granted that I am not even allowed to say the name of the country and the "workers" (aka missionaries) that work there because it is a Muslim country; it's a police state... The dichotomy perplexed me. I was curious enough to go and see what it was all about. What further entrenched the dichotomy of this beautiful North African country was the tug and pull between Western modernism and traditional Islam. On the same street, you will see one Arab woman in Juicy Couture midriff tops, and another in ninja-like black garb with a scarf that covers even her eyes.

I am still processing everything I experienced. I am still longing to see again the women and girls I met through teaching English. I hope for the love of Christ to change their lives and help them realize and believe in their potential. One dear friend wants to be a nurse. She wants to leave her native country altogether so that she can be free from what her society says is her only role. She would never admit it, but I know that deep down she wants to be free from her religion. Everything she shared with me cries out for freedom...

And I suppose that I understood for the first time what true freedom is all about. I thought to myself so many times, "If they only had the freedom to choose! If she was only free to choose her own way, her own belief." Lovely people walking blindly, many following the prophet Mohammad for no other reason than that's just what they have been told to do. Maybe not too far off from why many Christians are Christians.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

The truth about just how sporadic my blogging is and will continue to be is really showing itself. It's not that I don't have a lot to say - I do! - it's that I haven't the time. I write this blog right now during work hours, and some would say that I am cheating by blogging while on the clock. Maybe I am.

I was just listening to Emmy Rossum's rendition of "Rainy Days and Mondays." Funny how such a lyrically gloomy song can be so catchy and upbeat.

I whole-heartedly empathize with the last verse of the song right now:

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Maybe that's why I don't blog non-stop: no need to talk it out...
Although I can't say that we know what it's all about...
I don't, anyway.